One thing I am sure of...is I am ready for this to be all over with. One way or another. Over the past month since I have told people I am doing IVF....I have felt like I have had cancer. People have been calling me and asking me constantly..."How are you?" Its not that they called to ask how I was....it was the sound in their voice. Like I have experienced a death or something. I am truly grateful for each phone call...just ready to get my life back.
I have had four women in the past two weeks tell me they were pregnant. They all told me different stories of their pregnancies...but one thing they all had in common was that they were afraid to tell me. I told them that I wouldn't wish this on anyone and am happy for anyone who is pregnant. Then I have a friend who is pregnant and planning on coming up to visit from Texas in May. I asked her if she had gotten her plane tickets yet and she said no. She then told me she was going to wait until I got my test back. I laughed and said..."So, you aren't coming up if I am not pregnant because you are afraid I would get mad at you for being pregnant!?"
So, I am tired of being treated like I have some kind of disease. I completely understand why each one of these women were a little nervous to tell me. I really do. But at the same time, these women know me very well and I thought they would know me well enough to know that I don't have ill feelings for people who are pregnant.
Some women who have fertility problems become ill at the sight of a pregnant women. I guess because I have already been pregnant ....it doesn't bother me. What I become angry at is women who brag about how easy it was to become pregnant. Or how just looking at their husbands get them pregnant. And lastly the women who are upset because their pregnancy was an "accident."
I am trying to be positive about tomorrow. I truly am. Everyone keeps telling me that this is the one! But I am also trying to be realistic. I have had 5 failed IUI's and two failed clomid cycles in the past 12 months. I remained positive through each one of them. But there comes a point where you just cant remain positive anymore. It wears on you. You get let down so many times that you feel broken.
I am ready for whatever God brings me tomorrow. If it is negative....then I will have a couple of days to grieve my two little babies that didn't make it. But then I will move on and continue life. We will start the process of adoption. Anymore money spent...will be spent on something I know we will get. No more gambling.
If the beta is positive tomorrow.......tears will be shed as well. I am thankful for my son who is not wanting me to be on the computer right now. lol. I am thankful for all the phone calls. I am thankful for all the positive comments on my blogs.
I heard a song the other day by Kings of Leon and I have adopted one of their phrases in the song. I believe it is my motto for life.
"Taken all I have to take, cause taken is whats going to shape me!"
I will be saying a prayer for you today!
ReplyDeleteWhen we were going through everything, I refused to tell anyone because I couldn't stand the questions and pity. So many people don't understand infertility. Even my mother said she couldn't relate to what I was going through. Today I do not hold back how Ryan got into this world. If we have to do IVF again, I don't think I would tell people when we are going through the process.
I hope you get everything you want.
Thinking of you tomorrow! And Kristy is right, many people just don't understand- and it is wonderful to have these blogs that unite us.
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