Updates

Wanted to give a update on the three ladies in my previous post!

Amy - Perfect! That is how her babies heart looked! Perfect! Everything looks great and she is excited that they are having a little girl.

Susan - Surgery got re-scheduled for July 15th due to over booked surgeries. Will keep you posted on her.

MIL - Is back in the hospital. Though, her oxygen levels are great, her carbon dioxide levels are super high. They believe that she has major sleep apnea. When she breaths at night...she never exhales. Therefore, her lungs are constantly filling up with air and toxic air. This could also explain her heart problems as well. She will remain in the hospital for several days to do more test. We still have a long road ahead of us...but I believe that we are finally getting some answers.

Thoughts and Prayers

There are three people in my life that are going through a difficult time,right now. I normally do not ask for others to help pray for my friends....but I feel that these three women need some extra prayers coming their ways.

Amy - three years ago her second child, Sylas, was born. Everything about Sylas was perfect, except for the whole in his heart. After living for 61 days, Sylas became an Angel and went to heaven. Three years later, Amy is expecting again. This pregnancy has been very hard for her. She is in fear that this pregnancy will end like the last one....childless. Tomorrow, she goes for her "Specialist Sonogram." This sonogram will determine if everything is ok with baby. She is having a hard time. She is almost refusing to go to the doctor. She is in tears non stop. There is not much I can say to her that will calm her. I ask God that everything will turn out and to help ease Amy's pain.

Susan - My best friend from college. Been married once..but divorced three years into her marriage. Childless. Just found out that she has a rare form of ovarian cancer. The tumor on her ovary is equivalent to her being five months pregnant. She is having emergency surgery tomorrow morning. She is trying to be brave but I can tell that she is scared to death. She has talked about being childless and how that scares her. I am asking God to be with her tomorrow during her surgery.

MIL - Has been battling a lung problem for quite some time now. Everyday, she becomes worse and worse. Though, she has never smoked a cigarette in her life...her lungs seem to be portraying someone who has smoked all their lives. I am praying for her recovering...but I am also praying for my husband. I know death is a part of the life cycle...but I feel like his mother is way to young to leave us. She is only 63. Though, her and I have never really got along, I respect her because she raised my husband to be the man that I married.

So, even if you don't believe in a higher power, I am asking that you send "Good Vibes" towards each one of these women. Each in a different state...Missouri, Texas, and Maryland. May they all find peace and comfort in whatever comes their way!

My Safe Place

Everyone has a "Safe Place." To some, a safe place is the house they grew up in. To others, its familiar smells and sounds of home cooking. To most children, its a pacifier or blankie. My "Safe Place?".....Austin, Texas!

Austin, Texas has been one the happiest place for me. Nothing but good things happened to me while living in Austin. To me, Austin is a sign of "Hope." When I moved here....everything was hopeful. I was hopeful in getting a college degree. Hopeful, in finding the man of my dreams. Hopeful, of one day becoming pregnant. All those "hopes" and dreams became true in Austin, Texas.

This weekend, we have returned to Austin to celebrate our Five Year Anniversary. (July 2nd) It was a last minute decision and something I am glad that we did. We dropped little man off at Grandma/Grandpa's and we are off for a fun weekend filled of laughter, friends, and great memories.

While driving into Austin, I noticed a familiar place. The Fertility Clinic that I used to become pregnant with my son. It brought tears to my eyes. Not necessarily because I am not pregnant. But because that was a time of hope and encouragement. There was never a moment that I thought..."I wont become pregnant!" It was an exciting time to be starting to "start" a family.

Now, I look back and sometimes wish I could go back to those "hopeful" days. Days that started with a positive attitude and ended with one. Now, I do not have much hope anyone. My days filled with youth and ignorance are gone.

I am worn down inside. My heart weighs so much right now, that I couldn't possibly think that there was any room for hope.

Everything in my life that was of any importance was all done here in Austin. Graduated college in Austin. Got my first "real" job, (that I loved) in Austin. Met the man of my dreams. Got engaged. Got married. And finally, two months before leaving Austin for Missouri, we found out that our IUI had worked. Little Man came 9 months later!

I long for those days. I truly do. I long for the days of "hope." Days of when life was so much easier. Not necessarily things like not paying for a mortgage or car payment...but when life was all about hope. When you just knew everything was going to work out.

I will continue to pray for hope and peace. But being back here is exciting but sad at the same time. I am going to try to enjoy my husband and our friends and be blessed for what I already have!

What is the true meaning of family?

When I use to hear the word "family" I would immediately think of my relatives that I am blood related to. They consisted of a Mom, Dad, Sister, Grandpa, Grandma...etc. Though these are my blood family...my definition of what the word family means as changed.

I have a 'good' relationship with my sister. Not great, but not bad. We are completely two different women that just happen to come from the same Mother. We live two completely different lives. I love my sister and would do anything for her. But our relationship has become different as we have grown older.

As I started the IVF journey almost three months ago, she was not on board with the idea. She told my Mother that it was wrong that I was creating life this way. Her exact words..."Its not ok to kill someone...but its ok to create a life?"

We both grew up Catholic. Went to a private Catholic School. Everyone in our family is Catholic. So, it didn't surprise me too much that she felt this way. I understood where she was coming from but since she had not been in my shoes, she had no right to judge.

She actually never told me how she felt about this situation...I accidentally read it on an email that was sent to my Mother. So, I was even more hurt that she was pretending to support me through this hard journey called IVF...but yet criticizing my judgement behind my back.

Four years ago, we moved away from family for my husbands job. I thought the world had ended. I was almost three months pregnant and had no one here to share it with. It was a very miserable time. All I wanted to do was move back closer to family.

But after two years of living here....we have got a new family. Friends! We have a handful (if not more) of friends that will go above and beyond for us. Friends that will stop everything and help us out with babysitting accommodations.

When I started the IVF process, I had so many friends that checked in on me. Friends that sent flowers. Friends that pitched in and bought me a Spa gift card. Friends that gave me their DVD collection to watch while on bedrest. Friends that just happen to be nurses and would give me the booty shots. (now, that is a good friend) All around just awesome friends.

This weekend, my sister and her husband came to visit. We had a 'good' time but the whole time she was here...I was wondering if she was judging me. Judging me for giving my son a hot dog instead of an Organic Hot dog. Or judging me because my son still sucks his thumb. I never truly know what she thinks of me. She says one thing...but I have found that is not necessarily how she truly feels.

As my sister and I were in the car...we were talking about if we would ever move back to Texas. I told her that we were not going anywhere any time soon. (if ever) She seemed a little shocked..and I didn't go into detail. But we have family here,now! When I feel like I cant be myself around a blood family member...then it makes me super grateful for our friends that have now become a part of our family and whom I can be myself around.

When I became pregnant with my first child, my sister was the first person I called. Not my husband but my sister. With this next child, I am not sure when I will call her. Trying to become pregnant with this child has taken a toll on my family. It has shown me how they truly feel about infertility. So, if I happen to become pregnant again through infertility...I shall tell the 'family' that supported me through this difficult time.

I am not writing this blog to bash my sister. She would do anything for me as well. I just wish that I could be myself around her. I wish I could let my hair down in front of her and let her see who I truly am!

My mother was amazing through the process. She came and stayed with us for two weeks during the IVF. But just like my sister, I am not quite sure what she thinks of it all either. I get mixed emotions from her from time to time. My sister and Mom is the reason why I closed my other blog and never told them about this one.

Family is mostly defined as someone that has come from the same background/genes. But as I was shown this weekend, family is much more than that. Embrace your friends as they can sometimes be the only ones that truly appreciate who you are!

Why?

Why do I do this to myself? Why do I think I can become pregnant on my own? I thought doing acupuncture and taking the DHEA for two months would let me become pregnant on my own. I was going to be one of these women that got pregnant on their own after all the failed fertility treatments. Why? Why do I do this every month? Why do I pysch myself out and then when she arrives...it just breaks me.

And to make it worse....I have no one to cry to. My husband and little man are out of town. And just when I need to hold both of them....I cant.

Why? Why do I do this to myself every month! When will I learn that I can not become pregnant on my own and possibly ever?!

When will I learn? When will I be happy again? When I will find peace? When will the emptiness inside go away? When? When?

Any advice??

I recently had a close friend approach me with some fertility questions. She said that her and her husband had been trying for several months to get pregnant and so far were unsuccessful. She asked if I had any "tricks" that doctors had told me about or that I had read about. After go through a list of things. She then giggles and says.."Wow, you know a lot! You should be a doctor!" After I thought about it...I realized how much I do know. LOL. Here are some things that I have learned through research and doing Infertility treatments myself!

1. When trying to become pregnant....try to eliminate some if not all caffeine.
2. For some reason, my fertility doctor has told me to stay away from "Artificial Sugar" such as Sweet & Low, Diet drinks...etc. Those artificial sugars causes infertility.
3. A study has been shown that women who live in the states with no a lot of sunshine...tend to have a higher rate of infertility than the sunnier states like Florida. So get at least 15 minutes of sunlight on as much part of your body as you can!
4. If at all possible, eat all Organic. All the extra hormones put in the meats and food has been a top source of why infertility is on the rise!
5. A new study has shown that taking a small dose of over the counter male hormone, DHEA, can improve the quality of your eggs. Infertility clinics in New York are currently using them for their patients that have Diminished Ovarian Reserve.
6. Having husband take 1000mg of Vitamin C daily, can double and sometimes triple their sperm count.
7. Take a 80mg of Baby Aspirin daily to help with blood flow.
8. After having intercourse, lay flat on your back with a pillow under your hips. Lay there for about 15 minutes. Yes, people think its an old wives tale...but all of my fertility doctors have done it after every treatment.
9. For 24 hours after having intercourse or an IUI, do not take a hot bath. If you take a shower make it a warm one and quick. The rise in body temperature can kill off sperm who might have not yet made it up the "road".
10. Acupuncture has been proven to help with infertility. I was never a believer of it...but it has proven me wrong.
11. Exercise!!

It all sounds so simple. Follow these simple rules and you should have no problems becoming pregnant!! HA! I wish it was that simple. But hopefully, it might help for someone!