Many emotions

Over the past five days, I have had an over whelming range of emotions. Wednesday, the day I found out, I was sad. Cried hard mostly all day. Thursday, had peace about the situation. Friday, back to being sad. Saturday, just plain mad about the whole situation.

My husband and I have been talking back and forth about the adoption situation. Do we or don't we? We cant afford a private agency. So, we will have to go with the State. Foster to adopt. But we cant see ourselves falling in love with a child and then having the possibility of them leaving us. How would we explain that to our three year old? Here is your new brother/sister!!! Then one day...he or she is gone. I wish we could afford a private adoption agency....but with all of the infertility bills we have right now, there is no way.

I wish I had the feeling that I had on Thursday. PEACE. But I don't anymore. I keep telling people that I am ok and that this is how its suppose to be. But deep down, I am not ready to quite. I am just not! I am not ok. I try to be. I try to accept that I might never have another biological child. But somehow, I can not expect that right now. I don't know if its God telling me not to quite. Or just that gut feeling that I have had from the day that I was born.

I for sure am not doing anymore "Dr.s" for a long time. We are taking at least a 6 month break. We need to get caught up on bills from the past year and a half. $25,000 is our debt so far. I am trying to take a mental break as well and to enjoy life. But right now, its not going so well.

This afternoon, I went to a baby shower of a girlfriend of mine. I walked in and I felt sick to my stomach. Not only was my friend pregnant but about half of the women there were. Or had newborns with them. I wanted to turn around and walk out. But I didn't. I found someone that I knew and focused on making small talk. I made it through the entire shower...but cried all the way home.

I know it hasn't been a week yet since I got the news. And my hormones are still high. Its only been five days since my last shot. And of course, Mother Nature was terrible this month. I guess do to all the stress/hormones and procedures. I wish I knew what to do. What should I do? What should I do? Someone tell me...what should I do?

Right now, are plan is to take about a six month break...then re-evaluate our plan. I am praying that we will be one of those people that have done tons of infertility treatments...and then became pregnant on our own. But not counting on it.

I just want peace with whatever is meant to be. But right now, I am not convinced that we are finished. I just wish I could feel good again. Feel like I have my life back. But I cant. I am ready for the pain and the feeling of failure to go away. I have been patient enough. Our luck has to turn around sometime, right? I have been through enough. Since I was 17.....this all started. I am ready for my time to be over with and I can retire with the Infertility.

I do trust that God knows what he is doing. He is the author of my life. But it doesn't mean that I have to like it. I just want peace. That's it...peace!