Truly Blessed

During this hard time, I have been reminded daily of how blessed I truly am. Not only blessed in materialistic things but in family and friends. I know in one of my past post I complained about how I was ready for people to basically stop calling and asking how I was doing. But now that I look back, how selfish was I? Those people truly care about me and was making sure that I was alright.
During the past month, I have had friends that have done sweet little jesters for me. From bringing over their DVD collections while on bed rest. To the daily calls. And today, a group of friends all pitched in and bought me a gift card to a Spa. They stated that I needed to take care of myself and that they are always here for me. Of course, I started bawling. Not necessarily because of "why" I got the gift card but because I am truly blessed to have people think so much of me.
So, my goal starting today is no more..."Poor me!" I am blessed beyond words! I am blessed for all my new blog friends. I am just truly blessed. So, thank you to everyone who has called, emailed, prayed, or have given me little treats. I can not thank you enough! All I can say is I am truly blessed!

Many emotions

Over the past five days, I have had an over whelming range of emotions. Wednesday, the day I found out, I was sad. Cried hard mostly all day. Thursday, had peace about the situation. Friday, back to being sad. Saturday, just plain mad about the whole situation.

My husband and I have been talking back and forth about the adoption situation. Do we or don't we? We cant afford a private agency. So, we will have to go with the State. Foster to adopt. But we cant see ourselves falling in love with a child and then having the possibility of them leaving us. How would we explain that to our three year old? Here is your new brother/sister!!! Then one day...he or she is gone. I wish we could afford a private adoption agency....but with all of the infertility bills we have right now, there is no way.

I wish I had the feeling that I had on Thursday. PEACE. But I don't anymore. I keep telling people that I am ok and that this is how its suppose to be. But deep down, I am not ready to quite. I am just not! I am not ok. I try to be. I try to accept that I might never have another biological child. But somehow, I can not expect that right now. I don't know if its God telling me not to quite. Or just that gut feeling that I have had from the day that I was born.

I for sure am not doing anymore "Dr.s" for a long time. We are taking at least a 6 month break. We need to get caught up on bills from the past year and a half. $25,000 is our debt so far. I am trying to take a mental break as well and to enjoy life. But right now, its not going so well.

This afternoon, I went to a baby shower of a girlfriend of mine. I walked in and I felt sick to my stomach. Not only was my friend pregnant but about half of the women there were. Or had newborns with them. I wanted to turn around and walk out. But I didn't. I found someone that I knew and focused on making small talk. I made it through the entire shower...but cried all the way home.

I know it hasn't been a week yet since I got the news. And my hormones are still high. Its only been five days since my last shot. And of course, Mother Nature was terrible this month. I guess do to all the stress/hormones and procedures. I wish I knew what to do. What should I do? What should I do? Someone tell me...what should I do?

Right now, are plan is to take about a six month break...then re-evaluate our plan. I am praying that we will be one of those people that have done tons of infertility treatments...and then became pregnant on our own. But not counting on it.

I just want peace with whatever is meant to be. But right now, I am not convinced that we are finished. I just wish I could feel good again. Feel like I have my life back. But I cant. I am ready for the pain and the feeling of failure to go away. I have been patient enough. Our luck has to turn around sometime, right? I have been through enough. Since I was 17.....this all started. I am ready for my time to be over with and I can retire with the Infertility.

I do trust that God knows what he is doing. He is the author of my life. But it doesn't mean that I have to like it. I just want peace. That's it...peace!

DHEA

I have been doing some research on helping Ovarian Reserve. One thing that I did find was a supplement over the counter called DHEA. Most of the websites say positive things about it...but was curious if anyone has every used it and had success with it.?

Once I become a little more in control...I will write a longer blog about my negative Beta.

Trying to be positive!?

Top ten reasons on why being not pregnant is great!

1. NO MORE SHOTS OR HORMONES!!!!

2. I can drink Caffeine...Good Morning, Dr. Pepper!

3. Hola, Margartia

4. I can return to Jazzercise

5. I can return my butter to its normal place in the fridge and throw out those meds.

6. I can finally chase my little boy around

7. My bathroom cabinets can return to being a towel and toilet paper holder instead of a med cabinet.

8. When my son ask if I will jump on the trampoline with him...I can say "YES!"

9.I can take a scalding hot bath if I want!

10. And last but not least....I can return back to a some what normal life!

Negative

My Beta was negative this morning. I had a feeling all along. I feel like I have lost two babies. My heart aches.

Tomorrow....

Tomorrow is the day! My wonderful beta test. At first, I had the feeling that I wasn't pregnant...but now I cant tell. I am cramping...but not as much as I have in the past with my IUI's. So, I don't know what to expect tomorrow.

One thing I am sure of...is I am ready for this to be all over with. One way or another. Over the past month since I have told people I am doing IVF....I have felt like I have had cancer. People have been calling me and asking me constantly..."How are you?" Its not that they called to ask how I was....it was the sound in their voice. Like I have experienced a death or something. I am truly grateful for each phone call...just ready to get my life back.

I have had four women in the past two weeks tell me they were pregnant. They all told me different stories of their pregnancies...but one thing they all had in common was that they were afraid to tell me. I told them that I wouldn't wish this on anyone and am happy for anyone who is pregnant. Then I have a friend who is pregnant and planning on coming up to visit from Texas in May. I asked her if she had gotten her plane tickets yet and she said no. She then told me she was going to wait until I got my test back. I laughed and said..."So, you aren't coming up if I am not pregnant because you are afraid I would get mad at you for being pregnant!?"

So, I am tired of being treated like I have some kind of disease. I completely understand why each one of these women were a little nervous to tell me. I really do. But at the same time, these women know me very well and I thought they would know me well enough to know that I don't have ill feelings for people who are pregnant.

Some women who have fertility problems become ill at the sight of a pregnant women. I guess because I have already been pregnant ....it doesn't bother me. What I become angry at is women who brag about how easy it was to become pregnant. Or how just looking at their husbands get them pregnant. And lastly the women who are upset because their pregnancy was an "accident."

I am trying to be positive about tomorrow. I truly am. Everyone keeps telling me that this is the one! But I am also trying to be realistic. I have had 5 failed IUI's and two failed clomid cycles in the past 12 months. I remained positive through each one of them. But there comes a point where you just cant remain positive anymore. It wears on you. You get let down so many times that you feel broken.

I am ready for whatever God brings me tomorrow. If it is negative....then I will have a couple of days to grieve my two little babies that didn't make it. But then I will move on and continue life. We will start the process of adoption. Anymore money spent...will be spent on something I know we will get. No more gambling.

If the beta is positive tomorrow.......tears will be shed as well. I am thankful for my son who is not wanting me to be on the computer right now. lol. I am thankful for all the phone calls. I am thankful for all the positive comments on my blogs.

I heard a song the other day by Kings of Leon and I have adopted one of their phrases in the song. I believe it is my motto for life.

"Taken all I have to take, cause taken is whats going to shape me!"

5:02 a.m.

5:02 a.m. - Me- lying awake and thinking

5:02 a.m. - DH - Snoring away

Men have it so easy!

I shouldn't have

I did it. I told myself I wasn't going to do it. I was going to be strong and wait for the blood test on Wednesday. I am 4dp5dt. But this morning, I took a "5 day early" pregnancy test. And I saw nothing. My husbands cousin is going to be mad at me. But I couldn't stop myself. It did confirm my feelings.

Didn't tell my husband or mother. I will tell my husband later today after Mom leaves. But for now.......not sure.......

Crying non stop

I have done nothing but cry for the past twenty- four hours. I am not sure why. I know its only two days past transfer...but I just have this feeling that I am not pregnant. Its the same feeling I had with the other failed attempts. I just don't know how to describe it. But I just have this feeling that I am not pregnant.
I wish I knew all the answers. But I am severely depressed right now. I cant stop crying. Maybe its coming off of all the hormones. I was on the highest dosage they give. I sure hope I am wrong about these feeling. I hope that God makes a miracle. But right now, I am just not convinced.

Who's in Da House?

One of my friends came over yesterday to check on me. She saw how blue I was and decided to show me a You Tube video. I have watched this video about one hundred times. I have a weird sense of humor and this fits right into it.

Needless to say, it cheered me. I was laughing to hard I thought the twins were going to come out! :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FirXQLB2TFM

0

That is the number of how many we have to freeze. Zero. We got the call this morning that the last one didn't make it. So, I am hoping the two that are inside of me......turn out positive because we have nothing to fall back on!

We Gambled

Embryo #1

Embryo #2

That is what we did today! We gambled with our embryos. But this whole IVF thing is a gamble, right?

So, the one remaining "honor student" was not doing very well today. Bad enough that we couldnt transfer. And the remaining three were doing great....but....a day behind. So, we were left with decisions to make. Wait a day to see if the remaining three continue to grow. Or go ahead and put them in today.

Both decisions have their pros and cons. If we waited until tomorrow...the remaining three might not survive, then our chances would have been lost. But if we did it today....then it might be too early.

The other big decision was do we transfer one or two embryos? I was dead set on one. Twins run very high on my side of the family. I would be ok with twins if they could guarantee that the two embryos wouldn't both split...leaving us with four babies. I just couldn't see us being able to cope with four babies and no family to help.

So, after many tears shed and about a forty-five minute talk with the Dr., IVF Nurse, and Embryologist.... I looked at my Dr. and asked. "What would you do if your wife was in this situation." Without any hesitating he said.."put two in today." So, that is what we did..... we put TWO embryos in TODAY. We gambled.

There is no way of knowing if tomorrow would have been any better. But what if it had? We will never know. Its one of those..."Damned if you do..damned if you don't" type situations.

I left the house this morning feeling very positive about this whole process. The past two months, I have had a great vibe about it all. But right now, I don't. I am not sure if its because it was not what I had in mine...or if I just have that gut feeling. I hope I can find peace with it all.


I am not upset because we transferred two. I am upset because they are not as good as they wanted them to be. All along we had two great ones...and then they are gone. My "Honor Students" failed me.


But in a way...its a little ironic. Since the age of 20, I have had a passion for working with Special Needs Children/Adults. They were my life for about 9 years until I become a Mommy fulltime. I mainly work with Autistic children but I have a place in my heart for all that do not fit the "normal" bubble of society. I have gotten people out of their shell when no one else could.


So, to have my three slower embryos pull through for me....is a bit symbolic. It might be a sign from God to not give up on them as I do with my students. To have faith in them like I do everyone else that is a little different/slower.


This will all work out. One way or another. I know it will. Just a lot of emotions today and some that I wasn't expecting to have. Tomorrow will be better and I will be more positive!

Fourth and Final Report

(What ours will look like tomorrow)

Got the last phone call this morning. One of the "honor students" are no longer with us. Which is surprising! But the other one is still good. Therefore, we will have at least one to transfer tomorrow!!! Tomorrow!!! I cant believe this day is here! This is something that I have talked about for the past two months. But now it is finally here! I have so many emotions right now. I am trying not to think about it because I know my body doesn't need to be stressed out.

The remaining three embryos are still growing and it will be determined how many we will transfer, tomorrow. Since I am 30-35, the most they will transfer is 2.

I asked the Dr. what he would grade the one remaining"honor student." And he said..."Good." So, if that embryo is still "good" tomorrow. I would prefer to transfer just one....and have three others to fall back on if this cycle fails.

The last thing we need is to have four kids all at once. The closet family is seven hours away! Its hard enough doing it all on our own with one....I can only imagine with five!

Transfer is set for 9:00 a.m. Remember we have a three hour drive (there and back)...so I should have an update around 2ish or so. It is still all up in the air whether we transfer one or two. Gods in control so we have to just wait and see.

Thanks again for all of your comments, thoughts, and prayers! Tomorrow, I plan on taking pictures of our little "Creature." So, make sure you log back on for that!

My husband the Dr.

For the past two and a half weeks, I have been given myself five shots a day. My poor stomach is bruised and has tons of little holes that water could squirt out of any minute! It looks like World War III hit it!

The next set of shots, I can not give them to myself. Since the needle is so long, it has to be given in the booty!!! I have two good friends that work in the medical profession that I was going to recruit for the job. But after thinking about it, I needed someone that could give it to me at any time of the day.

So, I asked my husband if he would do it. I asked one of my friends to come over and administer the first shot and to show my husband how to do it. She did and the husband felt comfortable enough to do it!

My husband has his PhD. in Civil Engineering. So, he is always joking around and saying..."Who's the Dr. in the family?" So, tonight has he gave his first shot ever.....he said..."Now who is really the Dr. in the family?" LOL

I love my husband!

3rd Report

Happy Easter!!!!

Got the third report this morning. The two "Honor Students" (as I like to call them) have each split into eight cells. Which is on schedule. The other three have each split into four cells. They are a day behind, but that is OK.

The embryologist said that each one of them had a small fragmentation in them. I asked her if that was good or bad. She said it wasn't uncommon. When they start to get worried is when the fragmentation is around 30% of the embryo and she said mine is not even close to that.

So, we just wait until tomorrow. Tomorrow is when they make the decision on whether or not we have good enough ones to put back in on Tuesday!

2nd Report

Good Morning, everyone. Got the second report and all still looks good. The 2 eggs that are in the lead....have each divided into four cells. Which is good!!!
We have lost three. But the remaining three have fertilized and we are still waiting for them to divide. The embryologist said that the remaining three are a day behind so not to be too alarmed....they could possibly still divide this afternoon or tonight.

Until tomorrows report.......

Thanks to everyone for their kind words and prayers. We still need them as this is not even close to being over. Today, I am a little emotional. I guess its all catching up with me!

First Report

One egg matured yesterday. The rest became mature either last night or this morning. As of right now, we have two that are fertilized and the others....still waiting to see how they continue. So, pretty good news that all but one matured. Just waiting to see if they continue on the right path!!
A little sore today. Taking it easy today and hopefully make it to the Church Easter Festival tomorrow. See you guys tomorrow with the 2nd report. Happy Friday!

Nine

NINE EGGS!!!!

Not five or six, like we thought....NINE!!!! I think I even surprised my Dr. He came and talked to me after the procedure and told me that he was very happy with this number. He told me that he got more eggs out of me with having just one ovary then the lady before me with two ovaries!

Overall, its been a good day. Now on to the next step of watching my babies grow. Grow Embryos, Grow!!!!