It's been a while....

Sorry it has been a while since I last posted. Honestly, its been kind of nice not to post. If I don't write about it then I don't think about it, right? Wrong! I think about it all the time. My husband has no idea how much I still think about it all. No one does!

I am a firm believer in "Mind over Matter" and " Think positive!" So, I have been telling myself that for about a month now. I have been telling myself how lucky I am. And how wonderful my life is.
But inside...there is this emptiness that hasn't gone away yet. On the outside, I am fine! I am telling myself that this is the way its suppose to be for now. And God has a plan...blah..blah..blah. I do believe in God. I do. But in all honesty...I am disappointed in him right now. Not mad...just disappointed in him.

I have a very hard time understanding how teenage girls and drug addicts become pregnant...but us women who truly want to love another human being..can not! I don't ask for million dollar diamonds. I don't ask for expensive vacations. I don't ask for much. Just the simple things in life. Like a baby.

I am a stay at home Mom with a photography business on the side. So, two days a week my son goes to a little preschool so I can get work done. In his class, he has two little sweet girls whose mother either just had a baby or is pregnant. So, my son comes home and puts a balloon in his tummy and says..."Look Mommy...I am having a baby!" Do you know how much I wanted to just sit and cry. I asked his teachers if he did that at school. They then explained to me that the two little girls do it and he plays with them. GREAT!!! One of these days, he will ask..."Why don't I have a bro/sis?"

I go back and forth with emotions. One day, I am like...He has plenty of people around him to shower him with love. He has tons of older friends in the neighborhood that play with him just like siblings would. We have two boys across the street that I basically call my own. So, he will not miss out on anything. But then I flash back to my childhood and how fun I had with my sister. Yes, we have had a lot of drama in our adult years. But overall, we have a great relationship.

I go back and worth with its all going to work out. This is the way its suppose to be. There are tons of kids that are only children. I just go back and forth with everything.

But there is just something inside of me to not give up. I have really good gut instincts. I knew after just two days of all my fertility treatments that I wasn't pregnant. I just always have these gut feeling. And right now, my gut is telling me that I will still become pregnant. Its just hard because I don't know how or when.

Right now, the house is a little stressed due to money! When we first started the IVF process, we both knew we really couldn't afford it. But knew that extra money would be coming in from my husbands work towards summer. We knew that there would be about 2 months that we would be poor. And boy, we were right! But my husband reminds me all the time how much we are in debt.
Our five year anniversary is coming up in July. We had always said we were going to go somewhere for that. But now...we cant afford it. And that angers me so much. Because I caused our debt problems. If I could become pregnant on my own...we would never have $26,000 in debt. Then we could go on our 5 year Anniversary vacation.

So, the plan for now....is to take a break. For about 6-8 months. Then re-evaluate. I am doing better. I have to. I cant let this control my life for ever. I just cant. I have to move on for my family and more importantly for my son. But I am just wondering when I will feel like myself again. Or will I ever until that need is met?