I have been thinking too much today. For some reason today, I am really worried that the IVF wont take. I have been going through my mind the "What ifs." I know I shouldn't do this but I am. Because this is our last shot to have our own biological child. We cant afford another treatment. At least not within the next two years.
My sister-n-law just sent me a video of her daughter dancing. Giselle just turned one years old this month. It makes me want a baby even more! I love that age. I love when they learn new things. I miss that and still want that. I want Conner to be able to laugh with us when the baby does something funny or new.
But I am afraid. I am afraid that this IVF will turn up BFN. I know I already have one child and that is more than most infertility patients have. And I shouldn't complain. I am just scared. Scared most of all that this wont work.
I already feel a hole in my heart from not having it work this past year. I am not sure what will happen if the IVF wont work. Doctor said I have 60% chance of getting pregnant. That looks pretty high, right? So, I am hoping and praying. Hoping and Praying.
I have my age, health, and previous pregnancy on my side. But I have one ovary, endo, scar tissue, and a not very good ovary against me. So, we will see.
I just wish most of all, that I am at peace with all of this. But for some reason, I cant find it right now. Please God grant me the strength to go through this without going crazy. You know I am a fighter and I don't like to give up. I had my first endo surgery at age 17 and from that day, I always worried if I would be able to have children. Nine surgeries later, I am still stressing about it and ready for it to be all over with. I know that I am not in control of this...but I am asking you to grant me a life. I don't ask for much. I don't ask for diamonds or expensive vacations. I just want a baby to hold.
AMEN.
By Golly I Think It’s Working
6 years ago
Hang in there! Saying a prayer that this will be *the* cycle! And, infertility sucks whether it is your first or your second, you should not feel bad about it sucking!! You deserve a big happy family just as much as anyone deserves a baby.
ReplyDeleteHang in there. Wow, you have to drive a long way to see a doctor. That's tough. When the thoughts of what if it's a BFN, etc would plague me I would come up with little phrases. One was: "I'm in it to win it" and that would remind me not to give up. But it is tough, I was a hormonal mess at times. Don't be too hard on yourself.
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