Its a .....?

Healthy little boy! Everything looked great. At this Thanksgiving...we are thankful for so much in our lives. Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving!!!

I need to stop!!!

Lately, I have been fixating on trying to feel the baby move. For some reason, I am panicking that when I go next Wednesday for my five month sono, they will not find a heartbeat. I cant help but think that this pregnancy was a miracle and that something is going to happen. I know I shouldn't think like that...but I am. I need to stop.

I guess I have had so much "loss" in my life for the past two years that I am still expecting that feeling. I am trying to enjoy it...but cant help but wonder if everything will be alright at the sonogram on Wednesday.

Deep in my heart, I know everything is fine. I am still sick...which is a good sigh, I guess. And I do feel the baby move. But after having so much loss in my life when it comes to babys...its hard for me to think positive.

I am just ready for the sonogram to find out the sex. Then I think I will be better. Like I said in my previous post...it will make it more real. I can start planning the nursery. Start shopping. Start looking at names. Making it more real.

There is no reason to worry about the baby besides me being just plain scared!

Sorry!!

I am still here! I am very sorry that I have been out of touch recently.

I am currently 19 weeks pregnant and still very sick. To date, I have lost 19 pounds. Doctor isnt too concerned yet due to the baby is on schedule as far as size. He said as long as I am keeping one meal down a day...then I am good. Some days, I can keep more than that down. But then there are others that are just plain terrible. Days that make me want to stay in bed all day.

We find out the sex of the baby on the 24th of this month. I am super excited to find out. I think it will make it all more real. Plus, it will make my throwing up daily a little easier to know that this is really happening! There really is a baby inside of me!

I have thought about writing on here many times....but I feel guilty for being pregnant. I was once in those shoes reading other women's blog about becoming pregnant. I pray daily for those struggling with infertility. I pray that there will be an answer, one way or another for each and everyone of them.

I promise, I will write more often. I am sorry that I have been gone for so long. I am a part time photographer and this is my busiest time of the year. That, having a three year old, and being sick on top of it all....I barely have time to think! But I promise I will keep you guys up to date!

Thanks for the kind words!

Still Alive....

And yes...still pregnant. 11 weeks today!

I am sorry I haven't posted in almost a month but this pregnancy has got me on the couch as much as possible. Not because of possible miscarriage...but because of trying to keep food down. I have currently lost 8 pounds. I am sick morning, noon, and night. Every once in a while...I will get lucky and have a middle of the night sickness! ;) I am on all the meds I can be on. Have tried every trick in the book. And I even got a cool wrist watch looking thingy that shoots electrical shocks to my stomach. None of them work.

Other than being very sick, everything is going great! Its still hard to believe some times that this is happening. I am almost done with the first trimester and only pray that the sickness will get better with the 2nd. Will try to get you more up to day!

Our Little Peanut

Meet our little peanut! This little peanut has caused so much drama in its first 8 weeks of life that everyone is convinced that it is a girl! LOL.

Went to our RE today and everything looked great. Due date is still April 14, 2011..but since I will have a scheduled C-section I could schedule it for as early as April 7th! We are still in shock but thanking God every day for this miracle!

Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday...O MY~

Friday - I had already had my annual Pelvic and Pap Smear scheduled two months ago. It was expired and I went ahead and made it not knowing that I would be become pregnant. So, Friday morning, I had my annual stuff done. Thought he might do a quick sonogram but he didnt. Scheduled one for Sept. 1st.

Friday night - Inserted my progesterone supplement and there it was...bright red blood. This could not be happening. I immediately called my friend who is an OBGYN Nurse in Labor and Delivery. She lives down the street and came over. I also called my next door neighbor, "Big Sister" Michelle, who also works as a nurse. After my OBGYN friend examined my blood (Yes, we are that close! lol)...she was convinced that the Pelvic and Pap caused the bleeding. So, did the on call doctor. Fall asleep crying and hoping that I would not become pregnant and have a miscarriage the whole time my husband is in China.

Saturday morning - Woke up to lots of cramping and more blood. Decided to go to the ER. Had a neighbor watch Conner. A friend met me there. Saw the baby for the first time. Heart rate was perfect....122bpm. Cervix was closed. BETA was 55,000+. Of course, the stupid doctor that looked younger than me didnt know if it was caused from the Pap/Pelvic or if I was going to miscarry. But since everything looked good with my numbers and the baby... it was probably from the Pap/Pelvic.

Saturday afternoon- bleeding had stopped.

Saturday night - Pick husband up from the airport and just cry in his arms for about an hour when we get home.

Sunday - Threw up pretty much all day long.

Monday - Threw up all day. Called doctors office to ask for some meds for sickness. When the doctors office called back..they said..."We forgot to tell you on Friday that sometimes a Pap and Pelvic can cause bleeding for 24 to 72 hours after it has been done. Especially on early pregnant women. Did you have any?"

Due Date: April 14, 2011. 7 weeks pregnant.

Chillin

Some of you are wanting more updates...but I don't have any. Which is good, I think. I am currently visiting my parents in Texas until Thursday. Just relaxing and trying to take it easy. I have an OBGYN appointment on Friday. Then my first sonogram on the 27Th. Still on supplements twice a day. Other than that....just chillin!

So, that is all the news I have right now. Will update you after my OBGYN appointment on Friday!

Friday Levels

So, Beta almost tripled again. Progesterone did come up a little but I would have like to have seen it come up more. I am still nervous with the last Progesterone levels. They are still wanting them to be around 20. I do not have anymore blood work until I go for my sonogram on the 27th. Just praying and hoping that we make it to there!

Monday's Beta - 725
Wednesday's Beta - 1,914
Friday's Beta - 4,917

Monday's Progesterone - 6.1
Friday's Progesterone - 10.5

So Far, So Good!

They did not test my progesterone levels today. But will check them again on Friday. But my Beta more than doubled. Which is a good sign!!!!
Have my first sonogram scheduled for the 27th. Still crossing my fingers for Fridays progesterone levels!

Mondays Beta = 725
Wednesdays Beta =1,914

Overwhelmed!!

So, last week I finally realized that I was late on AF. I was in denial. I mean why would I be pregnant? We have spent $25,000 on Fertility Treatments and none of them worked...so why would I become pregnant naturally?

Well, I finally took a pregnancy test...and YES...I am pregnant! The good ole fashion way! I have to say that Acupuncture truly helped me become pregnant. So, many emotions are going through me right now.

I am very scared and overwhelmed. I went to get my blood work done today with the Fertility Clinic that I have been going through. My progesterone levels came back very low. They want them to be 20 or more. Mine were 6. Around 4 is a miscarriage.

They immediately put me on the progesterone supplements. I had to be on them with my first child but my levels were not this low. The Nurse Practitioner assured me not to worry yet. She said she has seen many women with levels this low that end up giving birth. But I am extremely scared.

To make this great news even more emotional....my husband is teaching in China for 21 days. I told him I was pregnant over the phone. I haven't even been able to hug him.

I go back on Wednesday for more blood to see if the levels have gone up. I am extremely nervous. Once I found out I was pregnant, I kept saying..."This is too good to be true, something is going to happen."

So, my statement was made real yesterday. One miracle has happened this month, I only hope that God has one more miracle left in him!

Expire?

I have two boxes of Progesterone Supplements in the Ice Box. How long until they are no good?

Big Brother?

Today, while my husband and son were at Toys R Us...out of the blue my three year old asked my husband "when was he going to be a Big Brother?" My husband didn't know what to say. But it really upset my husband. When my husband told me this, I asked him never to tell me these things. I do not need the extra guilt. It breaks my heart to hear my son say those things. It just makes my heart ache more. The guilt is already overwhelming and to hear him say those things out loud...is extremely heart breaking! So, I asked my husband never to tell me anything that my son says about siblings. I need him to be ignorant and not know what a Big Brother is!

Of course, when my husband told me this...I teared up. I am still so torn on what to do when it comes to infertility. Do I adopt? Do we proceed with another IVF? For my son's sake, I just want a clear answer. I need to know what to do!

A Sign?

This picture is from Vacation Bible School over a week ago. While taking this picture, I didn't really notice what my son's class was holding up. I was too in the moment taking pictures and being a proud parent. But after looking at them this morning....I noticed what his class was holding up! Hope! Something that I need. Is this God's sign for me not to give up?

New Guy

There is a new guy in my life. My acupuncturist. He seems to know a lot more than my last one. We spent about an hour talking about pretty much everything about my body and my lifestyle. Just like me, he is very confused on why I haven't gotten pregnant yet. All my levels are within the normal range and I became pregnant on my first IUI with little man.

Though, after telling him about my birthing experience with Little Man....he began to wonder if the trauma my body went through has yet to heal. I went through a lot of trauma giving birth. My uterus would not stop bleeding...had to take it out to get it to stop...lost some blood...low blood pressure...high blood pressure...went backwards...(8 cm. dilated to 7cm.) You name it...it happened.
After an emergency C-section...our little man finally made it into the world. But I felt the effects for quite a while. In a nut shell, he believes that taken out of Uterus has interrupted my "Chi." LOL. That sounds funny to say it....but he also said with all the fertility drugs I have been on in the past 16 months and then the previous birth experience...he said female wise...I was a mess.

I told him of our "plan" to take a break on Western Medicine and then try back again in Jan. He was happy that we were still going to try but he wants me to not think about the Western Medicine. He wants my mind to be clear of all W.M. Infertility treatments. I told him I would try but easier said then done. :)

So, it was a very good appointment and hope that it will help. All I know is that I had a terrible headache when I got there..(never told him about this) and when I left it was gone. So, I know acupuncture works...just hope it works on me in the "right" places!

Levels?

This is a short entry......

I am starting with a new acupuncturist and he is wanting to know some of my hormones levels. Such as...Estrodial, FSH, and LH. Was curious if anyone who has done acupuncture if they needed or has reported their levels to their acupuncturist?

Just was curious. The last lady I went to never asked about these things...so was curious if him asking and wanting to know is a good thing or bad thing?

Forgiveness

My son and I have been attending this years Vacation Bible School. My son, in the three year old class and myself as a volunteer. We just love our church and love spending time there.

Forgiveness was tonight's subject. At the end of the night, all the kids and volunteers meet up in the church for one last discussion about the nights topic. As the director got up , she started asking everyone if they forgive? She went around the room and asked several kids if they forgive. As she walked by the three year olds...she spotted my son and asked....

"Do you forgive your brother or sister when they are mean to you or take your toys away from you?"

Not really understanding the question, my son nods. The lady asking the question didn't know about my fertility problems. The lady sitting next to me did. I kept looking forward like it didn't bother me. I didn't know how to react. I couldn't cry. I couldn't make a scene and stand up and shout.."he has no siblings, you idiot!" I just sat there like she had asked another child that question. As I got up when we were dismissed, the lady sitting next to me...just smiled and said.."I am still praying for you!" I said thank you and headed to find my little man.

The drive home was a quiet one. Usually little man and I talk about things. But tonight, I didn't feel like talking. The "only child" issue has been on my mind a lot lately. I read a blog several days ago about a woman who was pondering whether one child was enough.

I feel guilty a lot of times when I tell other infertile women that I have one child...while they are still waiting for their first. I usually get..."At least you have one!" But to me, the feeling I had while doing infertility with my first child is the same if not worse with this second child. To want something so bad and not to be able to have it...hurts just as bad as it did with the first child.

Yes, I already have one child of my own. But I want another. I want him to have a sibling. I want our home to be complete and its not yet. Tonight was the first time that I realized that my son will soon be starting to ask why he doesn't have a brother or sister. It scared me tonight. I want him to remain as innocent as possible. I want to shelter him from the truth. I don't want him to be disappointed.

So, forgiveness was the topic of tonight's Vacation Bible School. Will my son forgive me if we decide not to go forth with anymore treatments or adoption? Will he forgive us if he becomes an only child? Will I forgive myself for failing? Forgive? Only time will tell.

Updates

Wanted to give a update on the three ladies in my previous post!

Amy - Perfect! That is how her babies heart looked! Perfect! Everything looks great and she is excited that they are having a little girl.

Susan - Surgery got re-scheduled for July 15th due to over booked surgeries. Will keep you posted on her.

MIL - Is back in the hospital. Though, her oxygen levels are great, her carbon dioxide levels are super high. They believe that she has major sleep apnea. When she breaths at night...she never exhales. Therefore, her lungs are constantly filling up with air and toxic air. This could also explain her heart problems as well. She will remain in the hospital for several days to do more test. We still have a long road ahead of us...but I believe that we are finally getting some answers.

Thoughts and Prayers

There are three people in my life that are going through a difficult time,right now. I normally do not ask for others to help pray for my friends....but I feel that these three women need some extra prayers coming their ways.

Amy - three years ago her second child, Sylas, was born. Everything about Sylas was perfect, except for the whole in his heart. After living for 61 days, Sylas became an Angel and went to heaven. Three years later, Amy is expecting again. This pregnancy has been very hard for her. She is in fear that this pregnancy will end like the last one....childless. Tomorrow, she goes for her "Specialist Sonogram." This sonogram will determine if everything is ok with baby. She is having a hard time. She is almost refusing to go to the doctor. She is in tears non stop. There is not much I can say to her that will calm her. I ask God that everything will turn out and to help ease Amy's pain.

Susan - My best friend from college. Been married once..but divorced three years into her marriage. Childless. Just found out that she has a rare form of ovarian cancer. The tumor on her ovary is equivalent to her being five months pregnant. She is having emergency surgery tomorrow morning. She is trying to be brave but I can tell that she is scared to death. She has talked about being childless and how that scares her. I am asking God to be with her tomorrow during her surgery.

MIL - Has been battling a lung problem for quite some time now. Everyday, she becomes worse and worse. Though, she has never smoked a cigarette in her life...her lungs seem to be portraying someone who has smoked all their lives. I am praying for her recovering...but I am also praying for my husband. I know death is a part of the life cycle...but I feel like his mother is way to young to leave us. She is only 63. Though, her and I have never really got along, I respect her because she raised my husband to be the man that I married.

So, even if you don't believe in a higher power, I am asking that you send "Good Vibes" towards each one of these women. Each in a different state...Missouri, Texas, and Maryland. May they all find peace and comfort in whatever comes their way!

My Safe Place

Everyone has a "Safe Place." To some, a safe place is the house they grew up in. To others, its familiar smells and sounds of home cooking. To most children, its a pacifier or blankie. My "Safe Place?".....Austin, Texas!

Austin, Texas has been one the happiest place for me. Nothing but good things happened to me while living in Austin. To me, Austin is a sign of "Hope." When I moved here....everything was hopeful. I was hopeful in getting a college degree. Hopeful, in finding the man of my dreams. Hopeful, of one day becoming pregnant. All those "hopes" and dreams became true in Austin, Texas.

This weekend, we have returned to Austin to celebrate our Five Year Anniversary. (July 2nd) It was a last minute decision and something I am glad that we did. We dropped little man off at Grandma/Grandpa's and we are off for a fun weekend filled of laughter, friends, and great memories.

While driving into Austin, I noticed a familiar place. The Fertility Clinic that I used to become pregnant with my son. It brought tears to my eyes. Not necessarily because I am not pregnant. But because that was a time of hope and encouragement. There was never a moment that I thought..."I wont become pregnant!" It was an exciting time to be starting to "start" a family.

Now, I look back and sometimes wish I could go back to those "hopeful" days. Days that started with a positive attitude and ended with one. Now, I do not have much hope anyone. My days filled with youth and ignorance are gone.

I am worn down inside. My heart weighs so much right now, that I couldn't possibly think that there was any room for hope.

Everything in my life that was of any importance was all done here in Austin. Graduated college in Austin. Got my first "real" job, (that I loved) in Austin. Met the man of my dreams. Got engaged. Got married. And finally, two months before leaving Austin for Missouri, we found out that our IUI had worked. Little Man came 9 months later!

I long for those days. I truly do. I long for the days of "hope." Days of when life was so much easier. Not necessarily things like not paying for a mortgage or car payment...but when life was all about hope. When you just knew everything was going to work out.

I will continue to pray for hope and peace. But being back here is exciting but sad at the same time. I am going to try to enjoy my husband and our friends and be blessed for what I already have!

What is the true meaning of family?

When I use to hear the word "family" I would immediately think of my relatives that I am blood related to. They consisted of a Mom, Dad, Sister, Grandpa, Grandma...etc. Though these are my blood family...my definition of what the word family means as changed.

I have a 'good' relationship with my sister. Not great, but not bad. We are completely two different women that just happen to come from the same Mother. We live two completely different lives. I love my sister and would do anything for her. But our relationship has become different as we have grown older.

As I started the IVF journey almost three months ago, she was not on board with the idea. She told my Mother that it was wrong that I was creating life this way. Her exact words..."Its not ok to kill someone...but its ok to create a life?"

We both grew up Catholic. Went to a private Catholic School. Everyone in our family is Catholic. So, it didn't surprise me too much that she felt this way. I understood where she was coming from but since she had not been in my shoes, she had no right to judge.

She actually never told me how she felt about this situation...I accidentally read it on an email that was sent to my Mother. So, I was even more hurt that she was pretending to support me through this hard journey called IVF...but yet criticizing my judgement behind my back.

Four years ago, we moved away from family for my husbands job. I thought the world had ended. I was almost three months pregnant and had no one here to share it with. It was a very miserable time. All I wanted to do was move back closer to family.

But after two years of living here....we have got a new family. Friends! We have a handful (if not more) of friends that will go above and beyond for us. Friends that will stop everything and help us out with babysitting accommodations.

When I started the IVF process, I had so many friends that checked in on me. Friends that sent flowers. Friends that pitched in and bought me a Spa gift card. Friends that gave me their DVD collection to watch while on bedrest. Friends that just happen to be nurses and would give me the booty shots. (now, that is a good friend) All around just awesome friends.

This weekend, my sister and her husband came to visit. We had a 'good' time but the whole time she was here...I was wondering if she was judging me. Judging me for giving my son a hot dog instead of an Organic Hot dog. Or judging me because my son still sucks his thumb. I never truly know what she thinks of me. She says one thing...but I have found that is not necessarily how she truly feels.

As my sister and I were in the car...we were talking about if we would ever move back to Texas. I told her that we were not going anywhere any time soon. (if ever) She seemed a little shocked..and I didn't go into detail. But we have family here,now! When I feel like I cant be myself around a blood family member...then it makes me super grateful for our friends that have now become a part of our family and whom I can be myself around.

When I became pregnant with my first child, my sister was the first person I called. Not my husband but my sister. With this next child, I am not sure when I will call her. Trying to become pregnant with this child has taken a toll on my family. It has shown me how they truly feel about infertility. So, if I happen to become pregnant again through infertility...I shall tell the 'family' that supported me through this difficult time.

I am not writing this blog to bash my sister. She would do anything for me as well. I just wish that I could be myself around her. I wish I could let my hair down in front of her and let her see who I truly am!

My mother was amazing through the process. She came and stayed with us for two weeks during the IVF. But just like my sister, I am not quite sure what she thinks of it all either. I get mixed emotions from her from time to time. My sister and Mom is the reason why I closed my other blog and never told them about this one.

Family is mostly defined as someone that has come from the same background/genes. But as I was shown this weekend, family is much more than that. Embrace your friends as they can sometimes be the only ones that truly appreciate who you are!