My son and I have been attending this years Vacation Bible School. My son, in the three year old class and myself as a volunteer. We just love our church and love spending time there.
Forgiveness was tonight's subject. At the end of the night, all the kids and volunteers meet up in the church for one last discussion about the nights topic. As the director got up , she started asking everyone if they forgive? She went around the room and asked several kids if they forgive. As she walked by the three year olds...she spotted my son and asked....
"Do you forgive your brother or sister when they are mean to you or take your toys away from you?"
Not really understanding the question, my son nods. The lady asking the question didn't know about my fertility problems. The lady sitting next to me did. I kept looking forward like it didn't bother me. I didn't know how to react. I couldn't cry. I couldn't make a scene and stand up and shout.."he has no siblings, you idiot!" I just sat there like she had asked another child that question. As I got up when we were dismissed, the lady sitting next to me...just smiled and said.."I am still praying for you!" I said thank you and headed to find my little man.
The drive home was a quiet one. Usually little man and I talk about things. But tonight, I didn't feel like talking. The "only child" issue has been on my mind a lot lately. I read a blog several days ago about a woman who was pondering whether one child was enough.
I feel guilty a lot of times when I tell other infertile women that I have one child...while they are still waiting for their first. I usually get..."At least you have one!" But to me, the feeling I had while doing infertility with my first child is the same if not worse with this second child. To want something so bad and not to be able to have it...hurts just as bad as it did with the first child.
Yes, I already have one child of my own. But I want another. I want him to have a sibling. I want our home to be complete and its not yet. Tonight was the first time that I realized that my son will soon be starting to ask why he doesn't have a brother or sister. It scared me tonight. I want him to remain as innocent as possible. I want to shelter him from the truth. I don't want him to be disappointed.
So, forgiveness was the topic of tonight's Vacation Bible School. Will my son forgive me if we decide not to go forth with anymore treatments or adoption? Will he forgive us if he becomes an only child? Will I forgive myself for failing? Forgive? Only time will tell.
Your post put into words several things that have been going through my mind lately. I also feel like childless infertiles see me as lucky because I have one child and yes, I am very fortunate to have him but 1) it doesn't take away my desire for another child and 2) I now have the added guilt that it is my fault that he doesn't have a sibling. For me, everytime we have a setback the first thing I do is calculate how much farther apart this will put my two children (assuming I can even have another one). However, my husband and i have been trying to focus on all the positives of having an only child. I grew up the 3rd of 4 children and always felt like I was fighting for my parent's attention...an only child will not have the feeling. When we go on vacation, the entire vacation revolves around Will and his schedule.
ReplyDeleteAnd honestly, I think if you make your own list and make your son feel special for being an only child, he will never be upset with you for not having a sibling. Sending hugs and thinking about you.
Coming from LAFCA...it hurts I know.
ReplyDeleteWhen my son started kindergarten and grade school--it did feel worse because topics and projects centering around the family often hurt (me more than him, luckily)...I tried to soften the blow by adding our pets into the family picture. And that did help a bit. Also, opening your house to his friends will help -- but it will still hurt.
I hope that somehow, someway it works out for you. It took me 9 years to get my son a sibling. So, I will keep hoping for you.
Sigh...I know exactly how you feel...I am blessed with my son, but I so desperately want for him to not grow up alone...or be an adult without someone to share his childhood memories or crazy parent stories with. The okay part for us is that if you ask him if he wants a little brother, he says no, that he doesn't want to share his toys. But it makes me so incredibly sad anyways. (Here from LFCA)
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