My son and I have been attending this years Vacation Bible School. My son, in the three year old class and myself as a volunteer. We just love our church and love spending time there.
Forgiveness was tonight's subject. At the end of the night, all the kids and volunteers meet up in the church for one last discussion about the nights topic. As the director got up , she started asking everyone if they forgive? She went around the room and asked several kids if they forgive. As she walked by the three year olds...she spotted my son and asked....
"Do you forgive your brother or sister when they are mean to you or take your toys away from you?"
Not really understanding the question, my son nods. The lady asking the question didn't know about my fertility problems. The lady sitting next to me did. I kept looking forward like it didn't bother me. I didn't know how to react. I couldn't cry. I couldn't make a scene and stand up and shout.."he has no siblings, you idiot!" I just sat there like she had asked another child that question. As I got up when we were dismissed, the lady sitting next to me...just smiled and said.."I am still praying for you!" I said thank you and headed to find my little man.
The drive home was a quiet one. Usually little man and I talk about things. But tonight, I didn't feel like talking. The "only child" issue has been on my mind a lot lately. I read a blog several days ago about a woman who was pondering whether one child was enough.
I feel guilty a lot of times when I tell other infertile women that I have one child...while they are still waiting for their first. I usually get..."At least you have one!" But to me, the feeling I had while doing infertility with my first child is the same if not worse with this second child. To want something so bad and not to be able to have it...hurts just as bad as it did with the first child.
Yes, I already have one child of my own. But I want another. I want him to have a sibling. I want our home to be complete and its not yet. Tonight was the first time that I realized that my son will soon be starting to ask why he doesn't have a brother or sister. It scared me tonight. I want him to remain as innocent as possible. I want to shelter him from the truth. I don't want him to be disappointed.
So, forgiveness was the topic of tonight's Vacation Bible School. Will my son forgive me if we decide not to go forth with anymore treatments or adoption? Will he forgive us if he becomes an only child? Will I forgive myself for failing? Forgive? Only time will tell.
This picture is from Vacation Bible School over a week ago. While taking this picture, I didn't really notice what my son's class was holding up. I was too in the moment taking pictures and being a proud parent. But after looking at them this morning....I noticed what his class was holding up! Hope! Something that I need. Is this God's sign for me not to give up?
