A Sign?

This picture is from Vacation Bible School over a week ago. While taking this picture, I didn't really notice what my son's class was holding up. I was too in the moment taking pictures and being a proud parent. But after looking at them this morning....I noticed what his class was holding up! Hope! Something that I need. Is this God's sign for me not to give up?

New Guy

There is a new guy in my life. My acupuncturist. He seems to know a lot more than my last one. We spent about an hour talking about pretty much everything about my body and my lifestyle. Just like me, he is very confused on why I haven't gotten pregnant yet. All my levels are within the normal range and I became pregnant on my first IUI with little man.

Though, after telling him about my birthing experience with Little Man....he began to wonder if the trauma my body went through has yet to heal. I went through a lot of trauma giving birth. My uterus would not stop bleeding...had to take it out to get it to stop...lost some blood...low blood pressure...high blood pressure...went backwards...(8 cm. dilated to 7cm.) You name it...it happened.
After an emergency C-section...our little man finally made it into the world. But I felt the effects for quite a while. In a nut shell, he believes that taken out of Uterus has interrupted my "Chi." LOL. That sounds funny to say it....but he also said with all the fertility drugs I have been on in the past 16 months and then the previous birth experience...he said female wise...I was a mess.

I told him of our "plan" to take a break on Western Medicine and then try back again in Jan. He was happy that we were still going to try but he wants me to not think about the Western Medicine. He wants my mind to be clear of all W.M. Infertility treatments. I told him I would try but easier said then done. :)

So, it was a very good appointment and hope that it will help. All I know is that I had a terrible headache when I got there..(never told him about this) and when I left it was gone. So, I know acupuncture works...just hope it works on me in the "right" places!

Levels?

This is a short entry......

I am starting with a new acupuncturist and he is wanting to know some of my hormones levels. Such as...Estrodial, FSH, and LH. Was curious if anyone who has done acupuncture if they needed or has reported their levels to their acupuncturist?

Just was curious. The last lady I went to never asked about these things...so was curious if him asking and wanting to know is a good thing or bad thing?

Forgiveness

My son and I have been attending this years Vacation Bible School. My son, in the three year old class and myself as a volunteer. We just love our church and love spending time there.

Forgiveness was tonight's subject. At the end of the night, all the kids and volunteers meet up in the church for one last discussion about the nights topic. As the director got up , she started asking everyone if they forgive? She went around the room and asked several kids if they forgive. As she walked by the three year olds...she spotted my son and asked....

"Do you forgive your brother or sister when they are mean to you or take your toys away from you?"

Not really understanding the question, my son nods. The lady asking the question didn't know about my fertility problems. The lady sitting next to me did. I kept looking forward like it didn't bother me. I didn't know how to react. I couldn't cry. I couldn't make a scene and stand up and shout.."he has no siblings, you idiot!" I just sat there like she had asked another child that question. As I got up when we were dismissed, the lady sitting next to me...just smiled and said.."I am still praying for you!" I said thank you and headed to find my little man.

The drive home was a quiet one. Usually little man and I talk about things. But tonight, I didn't feel like talking. The "only child" issue has been on my mind a lot lately. I read a blog several days ago about a woman who was pondering whether one child was enough.

I feel guilty a lot of times when I tell other infertile women that I have one child...while they are still waiting for their first. I usually get..."At least you have one!" But to me, the feeling I had while doing infertility with my first child is the same if not worse with this second child. To want something so bad and not to be able to have it...hurts just as bad as it did with the first child.

Yes, I already have one child of my own. But I want another. I want him to have a sibling. I want our home to be complete and its not yet. Tonight was the first time that I realized that my son will soon be starting to ask why he doesn't have a brother or sister. It scared me tonight. I want him to remain as innocent as possible. I want to shelter him from the truth. I don't want him to be disappointed.

So, forgiveness was the topic of tonight's Vacation Bible School. Will my son forgive me if we decide not to go forth with anymore treatments or adoption? Will he forgive us if he becomes an only child? Will I forgive myself for failing? Forgive? Only time will tell.

Updates

Wanted to give a update on the three ladies in my previous post!

Amy - Perfect! That is how her babies heart looked! Perfect! Everything looks great and she is excited that they are having a little girl.

Susan - Surgery got re-scheduled for July 15th due to over booked surgeries. Will keep you posted on her.

MIL - Is back in the hospital. Though, her oxygen levels are great, her carbon dioxide levels are super high. They believe that she has major sleep apnea. When she breaths at night...she never exhales. Therefore, her lungs are constantly filling up with air and toxic air. This could also explain her heart problems as well. She will remain in the hospital for several days to do more test. We still have a long road ahead of us...but I believe that we are finally getting some answers.

Thoughts and Prayers

There are three people in my life that are going through a difficult time,right now. I normally do not ask for others to help pray for my friends....but I feel that these three women need some extra prayers coming their ways.

Amy - three years ago her second child, Sylas, was born. Everything about Sylas was perfect, except for the whole in his heart. After living for 61 days, Sylas became an Angel and went to heaven. Three years later, Amy is expecting again. This pregnancy has been very hard for her. She is in fear that this pregnancy will end like the last one....childless. Tomorrow, she goes for her "Specialist Sonogram." This sonogram will determine if everything is ok with baby. She is having a hard time. She is almost refusing to go to the doctor. She is in tears non stop. There is not much I can say to her that will calm her. I ask God that everything will turn out and to help ease Amy's pain.

Susan - My best friend from college. Been married once..but divorced three years into her marriage. Childless. Just found out that she has a rare form of ovarian cancer. The tumor on her ovary is equivalent to her being five months pregnant. She is having emergency surgery tomorrow morning. She is trying to be brave but I can tell that she is scared to death. She has talked about being childless and how that scares her. I am asking God to be with her tomorrow during her surgery.

MIL - Has been battling a lung problem for quite some time now. Everyday, she becomes worse and worse. Though, she has never smoked a cigarette in her life...her lungs seem to be portraying someone who has smoked all their lives. I am praying for her recovering...but I am also praying for my husband. I know death is a part of the life cycle...but I feel like his mother is way to young to leave us. She is only 63. Though, her and I have never really got along, I respect her because she raised my husband to be the man that I married.

So, even if you don't believe in a higher power, I am asking that you send "Good Vibes" towards each one of these women. Each in a different state...Missouri, Texas, and Maryland. May they all find peace and comfort in whatever comes their way!

My Safe Place

Everyone has a "Safe Place." To some, a safe place is the house they grew up in. To others, its familiar smells and sounds of home cooking. To most children, its a pacifier or blankie. My "Safe Place?".....Austin, Texas!

Austin, Texas has been one the happiest place for me. Nothing but good things happened to me while living in Austin. To me, Austin is a sign of "Hope." When I moved here....everything was hopeful. I was hopeful in getting a college degree. Hopeful, in finding the man of my dreams. Hopeful, of one day becoming pregnant. All those "hopes" and dreams became true in Austin, Texas.

This weekend, we have returned to Austin to celebrate our Five Year Anniversary. (July 2nd) It was a last minute decision and something I am glad that we did. We dropped little man off at Grandma/Grandpa's and we are off for a fun weekend filled of laughter, friends, and great memories.

While driving into Austin, I noticed a familiar place. The Fertility Clinic that I used to become pregnant with my son. It brought tears to my eyes. Not necessarily because I am not pregnant. But because that was a time of hope and encouragement. There was never a moment that I thought..."I wont become pregnant!" It was an exciting time to be starting to "start" a family.

Now, I look back and sometimes wish I could go back to those "hopeful" days. Days that started with a positive attitude and ended with one. Now, I do not have much hope anyone. My days filled with youth and ignorance are gone.

I am worn down inside. My heart weighs so much right now, that I couldn't possibly think that there was any room for hope.

Everything in my life that was of any importance was all done here in Austin. Graduated college in Austin. Got my first "real" job, (that I loved) in Austin. Met the man of my dreams. Got engaged. Got married. And finally, two months before leaving Austin for Missouri, we found out that our IUI had worked. Little Man came 9 months later!

I long for those days. I truly do. I long for the days of "hope." Days of when life was so much easier. Not necessarily things like not paying for a mortgage or car payment...but when life was all about hope. When you just knew everything was going to work out.

I will continue to pray for hope and peace. But being back here is exciting but sad at the same time. I am going to try to enjoy my husband and our friends and be blessed for what I already have!