Truly Blessed

During this hard time, I have been reminded daily of how blessed I truly am. Not only blessed in materialistic things but in family and friends. I know in one of my past post I complained about how I was ready for people to basically stop calling and asking how I was doing. But now that I look back, how selfish was I? Those people truly care about me and was making sure that I was alright.
During the past month, I have had friends that have done sweet little jesters for me. From bringing over their DVD collections while on bed rest. To the daily calls. And today, a group of friends all pitched in and bought me a gift card to a Spa. They stated that I needed to take care of myself and that they are always here for me. Of course, I started bawling. Not necessarily because of "why" I got the gift card but because I am truly blessed to have people think so much of me.
So, my goal starting today is no more..."Poor me!" I am blessed beyond words! I am blessed for all my new blog friends. I am just truly blessed. So, thank you to everyone who has called, emailed, prayed, or have given me little treats. I can not thank you enough! All I can say is I am truly blessed!

Many emotions

Over the past five days, I have had an over whelming range of emotions. Wednesday, the day I found out, I was sad. Cried hard mostly all day. Thursday, had peace about the situation. Friday, back to being sad. Saturday, just plain mad about the whole situation.

My husband and I have been talking back and forth about the adoption situation. Do we or don't we? We cant afford a private agency. So, we will have to go with the State. Foster to adopt. But we cant see ourselves falling in love with a child and then having the possibility of them leaving us. How would we explain that to our three year old? Here is your new brother/sister!!! Then one day...he or she is gone. I wish we could afford a private adoption agency....but with all of the infertility bills we have right now, there is no way.

I wish I had the feeling that I had on Thursday. PEACE. But I don't anymore. I keep telling people that I am ok and that this is how its suppose to be. But deep down, I am not ready to quite. I am just not! I am not ok. I try to be. I try to accept that I might never have another biological child. But somehow, I can not expect that right now. I don't know if its God telling me not to quite. Or just that gut feeling that I have had from the day that I was born.

I for sure am not doing anymore "Dr.s" for a long time. We are taking at least a 6 month break. We need to get caught up on bills from the past year and a half. $25,000 is our debt so far. I am trying to take a mental break as well and to enjoy life. But right now, its not going so well.

This afternoon, I went to a baby shower of a girlfriend of mine. I walked in and I felt sick to my stomach. Not only was my friend pregnant but about half of the women there were. Or had newborns with them. I wanted to turn around and walk out. But I didn't. I found someone that I knew and focused on making small talk. I made it through the entire shower...but cried all the way home.

I know it hasn't been a week yet since I got the news. And my hormones are still high. Its only been five days since my last shot. And of course, Mother Nature was terrible this month. I guess do to all the stress/hormones and procedures. I wish I knew what to do. What should I do? What should I do? Someone tell me...what should I do?

Right now, are plan is to take about a six month break...then re-evaluate our plan. I am praying that we will be one of those people that have done tons of infertility treatments...and then became pregnant on our own. But not counting on it.

I just want peace with whatever is meant to be. But right now, I am not convinced that we are finished. I just wish I could feel good again. Feel like I have my life back. But I cant. I am ready for the pain and the feeling of failure to go away. I have been patient enough. Our luck has to turn around sometime, right? I have been through enough. Since I was 17.....this all started. I am ready for my time to be over with and I can retire with the Infertility.

I do trust that God knows what he is doing. He is the author of my life. But it doesn't mean that I have to like it. I just want peace. That's it...peace!

DHEA

I have been doing some research on helping Ovarian Reserve. One thing that I did find was a supplement over the counter called DHEA. Most of the websites say positive things about it...but was curious if anyone has every used it and had success with it.?

Once I become a little more in control...I will write a longer blog about my negative Beta.

Trying to be positive!?

Top ten reasons on why being not pregnant is great!

1. NO MORE SHOTS OR HORMONES!!!!

2. I can drink Caffeine...Good Morning, Dr. Pepper!

3. Hola, Margartia

4. I can return to Jazzercise

5. I can return my butter to its normal place in the fridge and throw out those meds.

6. I can finally chase my little boy around

7. My bathroom cabinets can return to being a towel and toilet paper holder instead of a med cabinet.

8. When my son ask if I will jump on the trampoline with him...I can say "YES!"

9.I can take a scalding hot bath if I want!

10. And last but not least....I can return back to a some what normal life!

Negative

My Beta was negative this morning. I had a feeling all along. I feel like I have lost two babies. My heart aches.

Tomorrow....

Tomorrow is the day! My wonderful beta test. At first, I had the feeling that I wasn't pregnant...but now I cant tell. I am cramping...but not as much as I have in the past with my IUI's. So, I don't know what to expect tomorrow.

One thing I am sure of...is I am ready for this to be all over with. One way or another. Over the past month since I have told people I am doing IVF....I have felt like I have had cancer. People have been calling me and asking me constantly..."How are you?" Its not that they called to ask how I was....it was the sound in their voice. Like I have experienced a death or something. I am truly grateful for each phone call...just ready to get my life back.

I have had four women in the past two weeks tell me they were pregnant. They all told me different stories of their pregnancies...but one thing they all had in common was that they were afraid to tell me. I told them that I wouldn't wish this on anyone and am happy for anyone who is pregnant. Then I have a friend who is pregnant and planning on coming up to visit from Texas in May. I asked her if she had gotten her plane tickets yet and she said no. She then told me she was going to wait until I got my test back. I laughed and said..."So, you aren't coming up if I am not pregnant because you are afraid I would get mad at you for being pregnant!?"

So, I am tired of being treated like I have some kind of disease. I completely understand why each one of these women were a little nervous to tell me. I really do. But at the same time, these women know me very well and I thought they would know me well enough to know that I don't have ill feelings for people who are pregnant.

Some women who have fertility problems become ill at the sight of a pregnant women. I guess because I have already been pregnant ....it doesn't bother me. What I become angry at is women who brag about how easy it was to become pregnant. Or how just looking at their husbands get them pregnant. And lastly the women who are upset because their pregnancy was an "accident."

I am trying to be positive about tomorrow. I truly am. Everyone keeps telling me that this is the one! But I am also trying to be realistic. I have had 5 failed IUI's and two failed clomid cycles in the past 12 months. I remained positive through each one of them. But there comes a point where you just cant remain positive anymore. It wears on you. You get let down so many times that you feel broken.

I am ready for whatever God brings me tomorrow. If it is negative....then I will have a couple of days to grieve my two little babies that didn't make it. But then I will move on and continue life. We will start the process of adoption. Anymore money spent...will be spent on something I know we will get. No more gambling.

If the beta is positive tomorrow.......tears will be shed as well. I am thankful for my son who is not wanting me to be on the computer right now. lol. I am thankful for all the phone calls. I am thankful for all the positive comments on my blogs.

I heard a song the other day by Kings of Leon and I have adopted one of their phrases in the song. I believe it is my motto for life.

"Taken all I have to take, cause taken is whats going to shape me!"

5:02 a.m.

5:02 a.m. - Me- lying awake and thinking

5:02 a.m. - DH - Snoring away

Men have it so easy!